


Never Seen a Mouth That I Would Kill to Kiss

by Anannua



Series: I'm Here To Get Hurt and Chew Gum (and I'm all out of gum) [4]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Bottom Hatake Kakashi, Bottom Umino Iruka, Dating, Drama, Emotional Roller Coaster, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Feelings Realization, Gay Sex, IruKaka, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Kink Negotiation, Lies and Deception, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Oral Sex, Pining, Top Hatake Kakashi, Top Umino Iruka, Unhealthy Relationships, but they end up together, i am so so sorry, kakairu - Freeform, read the tags, they switch it up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-02-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:08:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22643878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anannua/pseuds/Anannua
Summary: Iruka has a crush. Kakashi has baggage. They learn to compromise, which sounds good, but absolutely isn't.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Namikaze Minato, Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka, Mitarashi Anko & Umino Iruka
Series: I'm Here To Get Hurt and Chew Gum (and I'm all out of gum) [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1523477
Comments: 39
Kudos: 119





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **This is not a healthy relationship folks.** It doesn't start out healthy, and it doesn't end up healthy, which is different from ending up happy. Please don't take this seriously. It is a work of fiction. Do not use this as an example, _in any way, shape, or form_ for real life. 
> 
> Right. We all set? Enjoy.

_ Some mistakes get made _

_ That's alright, that's okay _

_ You can think that you're in love _

_ When you're really just in pain _

-Ashe, Moral of the Story

* * *

Umino Iruka has a crush.

It’s not uncommon—being an active-duty ninja is an easy and effortless way to stay in shape, and so there’s no shortage of attractive men and women just walking the streets. Iruka notices both types and likes what he sees. But it’s easy for Shinobi to have beautiful bodies. It’s the other parts of them that draw Iruka in: their personality, their morals and beliefs, their charm and wit and the pieces that make them a person, not just the shape of them.

He’s dated a handful of times. Shizune, briefly, when they were much younger and curious about kissing. Mizuki, for a long time, because Iruka believed him every time he promised to change until Anko pulled his head out of his ass and helped Iruka break up with him. He’s even had a few casual affairs—but nothing has made him feel like he does when he sees that crop of silver spiky hair.

“Yo. Mission complete.”

“Aa. Welcome back, Kakashi-sensei.”

It probably helps, Iruka thinks as he’s crowded by the familiar faces of his students, that Kakashi’s team is full of his own old students: the most dangerous, the most reckless, the most clever, all together. It helps that Iruka takes many shifts at the Missions Desk coincidentally when Team 7 has the most missions to hand in.

Iruka is a ninja, too, after all.

“Iruka-sensei, Iruka-sensei! You won’t believe this! We were camping by a river, and this huge eel…”

Naruto rambles on, excited and loud, and Iruka nods happily. The little blonde with blue eyes tells his story animatedly, jumping on both feet and gesturing with his hands, and Iruka would have to be blind to miss the way that his jounin instructor watches him with an openly fond expression. It makes sense that Kakashi would be so fond of his own teacher’s son. There isn’t anything inappropriate in that gaze. Just tenderness and reserved love, quiet but deep like the ocean. Iruka loves the way it makes Kakashi look. More human. Less emotionless-weapon. Approachable.

Desirable.

And looking right back at him.

 _Oops_.

Iruka looks away quickly, trying to focus on Naruto and his story, but he has the distinct impression that that one watchful eye never leaves his face.

+

“Someone has a crush.”

“Shut up, Anko.”

Cackling greets his long sigh.

“Not even going to deny it? Who is it? It’s been a while since you hooked up with anyone, ne?”

Iruka files the last of his paperwork and stands to leave. The hot-blooded woman beside him skips with a ferocious grin, and Iruka says a silent prayer as she starts in on him.

“Is it Kurenai? She’s super hot—I’d hit that, in a second.”

“It isn’t her.”

“Then, Yuuago—wait, is it a dude?” Her eyes darken ever-so-slightly. “It’s not that asshole again, is it?”

“We talked about this,” Iruka whines, “Me and Mizuki are done. _Indefinitely_. You beat it into my head. I am never, ever, going out with him, ever again, for any reason.”

“Very good. Now tell me who you’re crushing on!”

Iruka is saved from thirty questions as someone unexpected bumps shoulders with him.

“Aa. Just who I was looking for.”

“Hello! It’s good to see you again, Kakashi-sensei,” Iruka greets politely, hoping that his cheeks aren’t nearly as pink as they feel. He’s less than three feet away. They’ve been closer, on missions, but somehow, with the way Kakashi’s single eye moves slowly up and down Iruka’s face, like he’s memorizing the sight, makes it difficult to breathe.

Anko’s grin is _very_ wide.

“Oh? And why, pray tell, were you looking for Iruka? Need another teacher to help you manage your brats?”

“Anko! I’m sorry, Hatake-san,” Iruka apologizes quickly, elbowing his friend in the ribs. “She didn’t mean that!”

“Oh, I totally did,” Anko leers, just to needle the brown-haired man. Iruka loves and hates her, and desperately wishes she wouldn’t tease him right in front of this man.

Kakashi shrugs his shoulders.

“I was looking for some company. We’re celebrating a bit, tonight, at the Rusty Kunai. But if you’re busy…”

Iruka’s jaw drops.

Kakashi is asking him out for drinks.

 _Kakashi_ is asking _him_ out for drinks!

“YES!”

Both Anko and Kakashi stare a little at Iruka’s sudden outburst. The chuunin goes supernova at the attention, unable to stop his whole face from turning bright red, but he gamely screws up his courage and mutters out a request for a meeting time. Anko’s eyes widen with realization as Kakashi gives out details. There’s a faint air of amusement as Kakashi leaves, waving as he walks away.

The instant he’s out of hearing range, she spins and Iruka groans at the look on her face.

“Hatake! You like Hatake!”

“Anko—“

“Woo-hahahahaha! That’s rich! Oh, my sides—“

“Anko, please,” Iruka pleads, face scarlet, “He’ll hear you!”

The purple-haired jounin cackles mercilessly. Iruka groans, realizing his fate is set.

+

Anko teases him all. Day. Long. Iruka is fairly certain he’s a few crude jokes away from passing out from blood loss but he hangs on. The time is later today. He’s going out for drinks, with his crush.

Maybe nothing will happen. _But what if it does?_

Iruka is giddy all day long in anticipation, unusually unfocused, and it’s the first time in his entire teaching career that he actually takes off on time instead of staying late after to do extra paperwork in preparation for the following day.

When he makes it to the bar after ducking into his apartment for a fresh change of clothes Kakashi isn’t there. It’s a little disappointing, but then again, Kakashi is notorious for being late to everything. Obviously this is no exception. So Iruka gathers his courage and prays he’s not stood up and orders a beer.

One beer later and Guy shows up with Asuma and Kurenai. Iruka greets them cheerfully, cheeks made pink by the alcohol. He isn’t a lightweight but the drink helps him relax more than he normally would. Their company is pleasnat, but his eyes keep trekking over to the door.

Two beers and Ebisu shows up with Genma and Raidou. He grins and makes space beside him as Genma comes in to mess up his hair. They’ve known each other for ages and the familiar face helps put Iruka even more at ease. The bar is growing louder and the sky is getting dark, but Kakashi still hasn’t shown.

Four beers and two rounds of shots and Iruka laughs uproariously at some joke Anko is telling. He’s not sure when she got there but just about every jounin in the village has shown up, including some chuunin, with the exception of the one person he did want to see.

At four beers and a couple of shots, Iruka is good and buzzed. Maybe even tipsy. He’s one shot away from being quite drunk and Kakashi still isn’t—

Standing by the door, waiting for him to look over.

Ah!

“Kakashi-sensei,” Iruka calls loudly, ignoring the way Anko giggles at his behavior. The jounin nods back a greeting and joins Iruka by the bar. Genma grins and slides the other man a beer. Kakashi nods and hooks a finger in his mask, and Iruka tries not to stare at the fresh sight of his face.

_He’s beautiful._

“No wonder you wear your mask all the time.”

Kakashi puts down the glass and the mask is already back in place before he even turns to raise a questioning eyebrow Iruka’s way.

“You’re so handsome.”

Genma and Anko erupt in raucous laughter. Kurenai giggles along with Raidou as Iruka realizes what he’s said and his face becomes bright red. Well, redder. It was already a little flush from the alcohol. Now it’s practically _glowing_ with his humiliation as his friends laugh at him.

Kakashi sniffs and drags Iruka against his side.

“Don’t mind them. You can tell me I’m good-looking any time.”

Iruka cannot speak. Kakashi has an arm around him and, even after his friends stop chuckling, the arm stays put. Around Iruka. Holding Iruka.

He grabs Anko’s shot out of her hands and tips it back before his brain can screw this up for him.

He doesn’t want to think—he just wants to enjoy being held.

+

A few hours later and Iruka is still mildly dizzy with his buzz, and in great spirits. Kakashi kept his arm around him the entire time.

After enduring teasing from all corners Iruka announces he’s leaving. Anko offers to walk him home but somehow Kakashi ends up being the one to help keep him upright. He’s saying goodbye to all of his friends when there’s a whisper against his ear.

“Would you like to go back to my place, or yours?”

Iruka feels his heart leap right up into his throat.

He’s not so drunk that he can’t recognize _that_ for what it is—and he’s drunk enough to not be choosy.

“Yes,” he slurs. Then he clears his throat, in case Kakashi decides he’s too plastered, and repeats himself. “Yes, _please_.”

Kakashi’s face is mostly covered by the mask but Iruka can see the pleased curve of his one eye.

+

They end up stumbling down the street together. Somehow they make it into someone’s apartment. Iruka is drunk enough that he literally cannot tell whose. He wouldn’t be able to recognize the look of his own place right now. But he can recognize the look in Kakashi’s eye when the taller man reaches out and drags them together.

His heart might explode.

Kakashi is warm and big. His chest meets Iruka’s through the fabric of their shirts and the contact is good in a way that makes Iruka start to melt.

Maybe it’s easier, because they’re drunk.

But it’s a little different.

In Iruka’s fantasies, the silver-haired jounin, older, more experienced, is the one leading. Kakashi in reality sits down on the bed and takes off his shirt, and lies back on the bed, obviously waiting for Iruka to follow.

The alcohol makes it simple—don’t think, just do.

Kakashi wants him to lead.

Iruka can lead.

He licks his lips and Kakashi growls when a tanned palm lands on his hip. Iruka feels the world right itself as he drags down the jounin’s pants to reveal his straining boxers. This is a little more plausible—he’s dreamed of what this will taste like, and Kakashi doesn’t discourage him as he slips his lips around the pale cock.

It’s very messy. Iruka is quite drunk. But Kakashi gasps and arcs his back, thighs trembling as Iruka sucks deeply and pulls him in as much as he can, nearly to the back of his throat.

“Sensei,” Kakashi gasps, and Iruka hums in agreement.

He does everything he’s dreamt of doing for so long, bobbing his head up and down the beautiful length of Kakashi’s dick, memorizing the taste, groaning as he does because it’s amazing, and so are the sounds Kakashi is making. So expressive. Iruka honestly expected the other man to be more withdrawn, more reserved during sex, but Kakashi pants, moans freely when Iruka teases the tip, sighs and curses and jumps at the touches. Iruka is heady with the high of making the other man come so undone.

There’s a moment when Iruka has his lips closed down around Kakashi’s cock when he’s close, so close it’s obvious and Iruka wants to kiss him when he comes. So he switches to his hand, pumping Kakashi furiously quick, and moves in, but the jounin jolts and turns away as he spills all over Iruka’s closed fist.

It stings, a little. Feels like rejection.

But then Kakashi rolls back over and Iruka’s swept into strong arms.

He’s not sure what Kakashi is saying but they’re talking about something. Agreeing about something, from the sounds of it, and Iruka watches Kakashi turn onto his front on the bed, and suddenly all he can see is the other man’s back, and the beautiful sight of his bare ass, perfectly poised before Iruka like a present.

Reality twists a bit again.

In Iruka’s head, Kakashi is the one to turn them over and fuck him. Kakashi is the one who takes control, who makes Iruka cry because the pleasure is almost too much, who holds him down and fucks him within an inch of his life, making him go wild with his touch, using Iruka—but it’s the other way around. It’s very clear that Kakashi wants Iruka to fuck him.

Again, the alcohol helps—don’t think, just do.

Kakashi wants Iruka to _do him._

Okay.

He can.

His hands slide up, cautious, over the swell of Kakashi’s pale cheeks. There’s a shiver, and Kakashi glances back with a look that makes Iruka’s heart pound painfully in his chest. He’s waiting. Wants it.

Iruka should give it to him already.

They’re both far from untouched virgins—Iruka takes the offered lube, slicks them both, and slots in, to everyone’s satisfaction. It’s so hot, tight and perfect inside, and from the sound of utter pleasure coming from the other man, it’s good for Kakashi, too. Still quite drunk, it takes a moment for Iruka to focus on not coming embarrassingly quick and ruining the moment.

For a few, glorious minutes, everything is perfect. Kakashi is breathtakingly gorgeous, moves like liquid moonlight, all lithe grace and toned muscle, hot and delirious with lust beneath Iruka, panting and arching his back and moaning as Iruka fucks him.

Iruka _loves_ it.

Maybe he could get used to being on top, if this is the view it gets him.

He tries to turn them over so he can look into Kakashi’s eyes while they connect, but it’s clear Kakashi would prefer to be on his front. Right away the other man whines, clearly uncomfortable, which is absolutely not sexy, so Iruka hushes him with a gentle voice and guides Kakashi onto his side, hooking one long leg up over his shoulder. This way Kakashi can turn his face away into the pillow, hiding his blush as Iruka drags his hips back and drives back in.

“Sensei,” Kakashi moans, and Iruka feels a powerful wave of arousal wash over him. He sounds completely lust-drunk, and it’s for Iruka, because of Iruka, Kakashi is groaning and saying his name and twitching because of _Iruka_ —

He comes with a shout, crying Kakashi’s name as he slams home.

It’s difficult with his orgasm and the alcohol but over everything he can feel Kakashi clench helplessly and it’s all he can do to stare down at the sight of Kakashi coming undone on his dick. His cock twitches, pulsing, sending white ribbons all over his stomach, streaking his abs and getting everywhere.

Because of Iruka.

He’s in love.

Or at least addicted.

After, Iruka tries to draw Kakashi’s arms around him, because in his mind cuddling post sex is a meaningful connection. Beautiful, intimate, and close. But Kakashi turns away from him again, nearly unconscious already.

Iruka chalks it up to alcohol since he’s no better and they fall asleep together.

+

The morning after is very awkward for Iruka, because Kakashi treats him like a _child_.

“Good morning. Somebody slept well.”

Iruka fumbles around for his clothes when Kakashi stands from the bed, stark naked, pale, tall, and graceful and stunning, and does the same. They dress in relative silence while Iruka’s mind fills with a myriad of emotions. Does Kakashi remember what they did last night? Does he care? Was it just casual sex? It didn’t feel causal, with how Kakashi was so open about his lust, so wanton and reactive to everything Iruka did.

“So,” he starts, trying not to die as all the blood in his body rushes to his face, “last night…”

“Aa. It was good for me.”

That’s a relief. He remembers. And, Iruka thinks with a rush of pride, _it was good_.

“Ah! It was good for me, too.”

Kakashi’s face without the mask is unguarded, so Iruka privately enjoys the way he can see Kakashi’s fond look as Iruka screws up his courage again.

“I… would you… if, I mean, if last night was good, maybe…”

He’ll die of embarrassment before he can even get the question out. Kakashi snickers because he’s an asshole, but kindly jumps ahead of Iruka.

“Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yes, to your question—we can do it again sometime.”

Iruka’s shoulders lose their tenseness and he nearly explodes with relief.

They leave the apartment (Kakashi’s) and head to their respective lives. It’s just before they go, when Iruka uses up all the bravado he’ll ever have and leans in to kiss Kakashi’s cheek (they still haven’t kissed on the lips yet despite having sex) when Kakashi regards him with a strange expression. It might be Iruka’s imagination, but for a single instant, something like guilt flickers lightning-fast across Kakashi’s single gray eye. It’s gone, the next instant, but Iruka wonders.

Was it real? Or did he imagine it?

He can’t tell because Kakashi steps forward and sweeps up his hand, turning it over to press his lips to Iruka’s pulse point.

His heart hiccups and Iruka knows he’s bright red.

Kakashi looks up with a charming expression, eye creased in a half-moon, clearly grinning beneath the facemask.

“See you later, Sensei.”

+

They meet a few times after that. Kakashi is always amazing. Iruka loves spending time with him. Nothing’s better. The jounin’s company is pleasant, teasing, silly, and Iruka realizes he’s very, very head-over-heels. It’s a dangerous thing to give your whole heart away to someone, especially in the world they live in. He doesn’t really mind. Not when Kakashi has that obvious smile for him beneath the mask, and greets him with a warm ’Sensei’ when they meet.

It’s so easy.

It’s like a dream.

And it’s not just sex. They have lunch several times and Iruka learns what Kakashi likes to eat. They go out for drinks once or twice and Iruka learns to like the burn of sake. They share meals and moments and it’s everything that Iruka wanted.

He’s happy.

+

Anko is very **un** happy.

“I don’t understand,” Iruka complains as they go over the student’s paperwork together. “He’s very kind. He’s _nothing_ like Mizuki. He treats me well and he makes me feel good—isn’t that enough?”

“I don’t like it,” Anko repeats, drawing a red line through one of the papers deftly.

“Why?”

“Something’s wrong.”

“With Kakashi-sensei? He hasn’t mentioned…”

“With you,” Anko cuts in with a scowl. Iruka feels his eyebrows hike up high.

“Nothing’s the matter with me. Anko, I’m fine. Honestly! I’m the happiest I’ve been in maybe forever.”

Her eyes tell him that she still doesn’t believe Iruka.

“What can I say to convince you?”

“The fact that you have to _try and convince me_ that you’re happy has me worried.”

“Are you jealous,” Iruka asks, suspicious. Anko snorts.

“I’ve no interest in Hatake the Friend Killer.”

“Don’t call him that!”

“That’s what he is. But that’s not the point. You think you’re happy but you’re fooling yourself.”

Iruka stands up abruptly, slamming both hands down on the desk. Papers go flying and Iruka doesn’t give a damn. He’s had _enough_.

“I won’t stand for it. Until you apologize, we have nothing to say to each other.”

Anko is shocked, and even more shocked when Iruka abandons her. He stomps down the hall, too upset to care that he’s leaving his paperwork behind, when a fast set of footsteps chases him down. He stops, frustrated and angry because he cares about Anko, and she’s making him choose, but then he catches sight of her face. She’s upset, too.

“I’m sorry,” Anko says immediately.

“It’s fine,” Iruka murmurs, a little ashamed at himself. “That was wrong of me. I just won’t stand for you insulting him like that.”

The purple-haired jounin frowns. Iruka gives her a tired look.

“You’re one of my closest friends. It bugs me that you’ve always supported me through my bad relationships and now that I’m finally happy you don’t want to anymore…”

“That’s not it at all. I’m worried.”

“About what?”

She shakes her head. “I’ll always worry about you, knucklehead. No matter what. That’s what friends are for.”

+

Anko is sweet for worrying about him. But there’s honestly nothing wrong. Iruka has everything he could ask for. His job provides, and he loves teaching, and his boyfriend always seems satisfied when they tumble beneath the sheets.

That’s the _only_ _thing_ that isn’t daydream perfect. Iruka has suggested more than once that they switch things up in the bedroom. Kakashi still prefers to be taken.

They do switch, once, with nearly disastrous results— _Kakashi can’t keep it up_. He makes excuses, apologizes under his breath, embarrassed, until Iruka takes charge and flips them over. They fall back into familiar positions then, Iruka burying himself in Kakashi’s delicious tight heat, Kakashi nearly sobbing with relief as he arcs his back and buries his face in Iruka’s sheets.

Iruka asks about it, after, and Kakashi shrugs disinterestedly.

“It’s not my thing—but, if you really want to…”

“Some day,” Iruka says with a kind smile. “It would be nice. There’s no rush.”

“Aa.”

“I’ve thought about it, a lot,” he admits, a flush coloring his face, which makes Kakashi sit up straighter with a teasing smirk.

“Oh?”

“I, practiced,” Iruka mumbles, blushing furiously.

Kakashi leans in, clearly intrigued.

“Tell me.”

It’s embarrassing to talk about fingering himself. Iruka actually can’t speak at one point, but he forces himself, and it’s worth every painstaking second, because Kakashi’s erection comes back as Iruka describes it, and they tumble back into the sheets together.

Then _he’s_ the one on his back, and it’s almost too good to be true. Iruka is the one gasping, aching, breathless with pleasure as Kakashi finally finally fucks him, pressing in and pinning him and filling him full.

_It’s perfect._

“Oh?” Kakashi’s teasing smirk greets Iruka as his eyes flutter back open. Did he say that out loud?

“You did. Don’t worry, Sensei—it’s cute.”

On his back, as Kakashi rocks into him slow and delightfully thick, Iruka feels pleasure like he’s only imagined. His eyes blow wide with pleasure as he’s filled, the line of Kakashi’s cock threatening to split him in two and it’s amazing, a heavy fullness that spears him. He’s in heaven.

“Kakashi,” he gasps, and his fingers clutch at Kakashi’s neck, grabbing him and holding tight.

“Sensei,” Kakashi murmurs, lips pressed up against the column of Iruka’s throat as he slides out slowly, only to slot back in with a sharp snap of his hips.

Then he has everything he’s ever wanted and it’s perfect.

+

Except Anko is right—something is wrong.

+

They’ve been dating for months and they always go out in public areas, but in the civilian sector. The few times they’ve been out together as a couple around Iruka’s friends Kakashi tends to keep his distance. And they never kiss in front of other people.

Iruka understands: Kakashi is a private person. He keeps shows of affection behind closed doors. It’s a little selfish but that’s fine. Iruka rather likes the thought that Kakashi wants him all to himself.

“It’s fine,” Iruka says exasperatedly for maybe the fifth time as Anko glares at him over lunch. “He just doesn’t want to flaunt it everywhere.”

“Or he’s ashamed to be seen with you.”

“Anko.”

The purple-haired jounin doesn’t back down.

“Remember Mizuki? How he convinced you to move half your stuff in before you realized that he was using all of your paycheck for rent and utilities?”

“It isn’t like that,” Iruka argues hotly. “We aren’t living together.”

“You aren’t together,” Anko says ruthlessly. “He’s _using_ you.”

Iruka grits his teeth.

“He’s not ready to move in. He has a team. He has missions.”

“All I hear are excuses. Iruka, I’m really worried.” Anko growls and grits her own teeth. Her distress comes out as anger. It’s touching, but, Iruka thinks, misplaced.

“I really appreciate it, Anko, but I wish you’d stop. Kakashi and I are fine.”

“Oh yeah? Let’s hear it from the scarecrow’s lips,” Anko sneers, and with a stab of horror, Iruka realizes she’s flagging down the silver-haired jounin, who is happening by.

“Oi! Hatake! Got a hot second?”

“Anko,” Iruka hisses, furious. And too late, because Kakashi is already coming up casually beside the table, single eye half-lidded in its usual appearance of boredom. “What are you doing?”

His friend completely ignores him and starts in on the standing jounin.

“Lookin’ good. Been keeping busy?”

“Aa. Did you need something, Mitarishi?”

“A little birdie told me you were off the market. Is that true?”

Iruka can’t stop her now so instead he turns to catch Kakashi’s reaction. The older man blinks with his one visible eye, before gradually lifting a hand to… scratch the back of his head sheepishly.

“It is.”

A very immature piece of Iruka is dumbfounded that Kakashi isn’t more exuberant. The practical part of him however feels utterly justified.

“He doesn’t like to advertise,” Iruka says hotly, “Or didn’t you believe me earlier?”

Not satisfied, Anko narrows her eyes and pins Kakashi with a hard glare.

“Didn’t realize you were ready to settle down! Iruka must really be one hot piece of ass, eh, Hatake?”

Iruka’s face goes up in flames.

Kakashi blinks and doesn’t respond.

Anko waits, teeth bared, like she’s ready to take a bite out of him no matter his reply, and the way it makes Kakashi look so uncomfortable is the straw that broke the camel’s back.

He stands and snags Kakashi by the wrist. The older man looks faintly stunned as Iruka leaves his half-finished lunch behind on the table, dragging Kakashi away from Anko’s protesting yelling. Kakashi says something but it’s so soft and Iruka is so mad that he really doesn’t hear the other man until they’ve cleared the other side of the street.

“Please let go—“

“Oh! Oh, of course,” Iruka says quickly, releasing Kakashi’s hand. His cheeks are hot with humiliation as he apologizes for Anko’s rudeness. “She’s one of my oldest friends, but for some reason she just won’t leave it alone that we’re together.”

“About that.”

“She’s always been supportive. I don’t know what’s gotten into her lately, but I know she didn’t mean to put you on the spot like that. I’ll talk to her and see if I can make her come around…”

“Listen,” Kakashi tries again, a little louder. “I can’t see you anymore.”

It’s Iruka’s turn to blink.

“You…”

“It’s gone on long enough,” Kakashi says, and the way it comes out, Iruka realizes it’s an apology. But for what? For dating him? For sleeping together? For the lunches and late nights walking side by side? For being with Iruka?

“But,” Iruka says weakly, trying to grasp for reason.

Kakashi has his mask up and his forehead protector is covering his Sharingan eye. There’s only a sliver of his face but Iruka can read the weary resignation all over what he can see. Tears well up in his eyes. Iruka takes a deep breath in to keep them at bay.

He’s a grown man—he won’t cry.

Well, not now, not in front of him. Maybe later in the privacy of his own company.

“…can you at least tell me why?”

Kakashi reaches up to scratch the back of his neck.

“It’s not right.”

“Not right? What changed?” Iruka asks, voice charged with emotion. “Is it Anko? She’s almost never like that—I swear, and, I don’t want to choose, but if it’s you or her…”

Kakashi shakes his head, and Iruka can read the pinched expression: he’s also upset. So why do they have to stop seeing each other?

“I wouldn’t make you choose. But this has gone on long enough. I need to let you go.”

“No, you don’t,” Iruka argues heatedly. “Why? Is it… I don’t have to bottom, if that’s the reason—“

“No,” Kakahsi says quickly, and a mild dusting of pink crops up on his cheeks above the mask. “No, that isn’t it.”

“Then what,” Iruka demands. “What did I do?”

The silver-haired man sighs deeply.

“Maa. It _was_ too long. This is what I was afraid of…”

Iruka’s vision is blurred by tears. That’s why it’s a surprise when warm arms wrap him up. Iruka jumps but Kakashi holds him tightly, arms wrapped around his body, pulling them close together. It isn’t the action of someone who’s ready to let go. Iruka can practically smell the longing coming from the silver-haired man. He tries to think of something that he’s done to prompt this sudden split. Something he’s said, or done, or failed to do but in the warmth of Kakashi’s arms, surrounded by his smell and pressed up against his chest, Iruka can’t think. He chokes back his whimper and shakes his head against Kakashi’s chest.

“…if there’s something I did… something I can do… Kakashi, please?”

“It’s not you. It’s _me_. I never should have taken advantage like this.”

Iruka pries them apart.

“You’ve never—I said yes, to _everything_! I never said no! You have to know that—even the first night, when we were both drunk, I consented! You can’t think you’ve been taking advantage—“

“No,” Kakashi agrees, shaking his head. “Not like that.”

“Then what,” Iruka begs, “Why? Kakashi, don’t do this. I love you.”

Kakashi looks at him, really, really looks at him, and says one thing only.

“I’m sorry, Iruka.”

Then he lets go, and walks away.

Iruka doesn’t move from where his feet are planted for long until after the other man disappears out of sight.

+

Anko finds him later that night six bottles deep.

“Iruka. It’s time to stop.”

“I told him,” he groans, head spinning. “I tol’ him. Hic.”

The purple-haired woman collects the bottles from around her friend and sits down beside him. A hand on his back, gentle, to let him know he’s not alone. A cup of water, set down by his face, where he can see it, when he’s ready. She doesn’t tease or bully. Not when her friend is so obviously miserable.

“You told him what,” she asks eventually.

“Th’ I lov’m.”

Anko is a good shinobi. She can read between the lines. There’s two reactions to ‘I love you’, and getting wasted speaks of the bad one, not the good.

“I’m sorry, honey. I tried to tell you—he’s bad news.”

“Shoul’na list’n’d,” Iruka moans into the counter at the bar, cheek pressed into the filthy surface. “Sh’d listened. Y’r right. All ‘long. ‘M s’rry.”

“When you can, finish this water. Let’s get you home, Iruka.”

The chuunin sits up, then, laughing loudly. Too loudly. But it stops as soon as it starts, and Anko watches Iruka take the water like a shot, all at once, and place the glass down deftly on the counter. From the way he wobbles when they stand together he might not make it home all in one piece.

Sure enough, at the stairs to his apartment, Iruka jerks away from Anko just in time to hurl into the bushes. She waits, saying nothing. Eventually Iruka stops throwing up and he spends a few moments just breathing. Then he sobs once.

“He never said, why.”

Anko helps him up.

“Let’s get you inside, Iruka.”

“It was _good_ ,” Iruka moans, “I was _happy_. Why? He didn’t want to. He _likes_ me—he looked so sad when…”

“When he dumped you?” Anko asks incredulously.

Iruka hiccups and chokes back his tears.

“Forget about him. There are so many other fish in the sea, Iruka! Drink more water, and get some rest. You’ll feel better in the morning.”

+

Iruka feels like **shit** in the morning.

But he has classes, and then a shift at the Missions desk, so he drags himself up and into the shower, to get rid of the feeling of regret.

How is he supposed to function? He remembers thinking it’s a dangerous thing to give your whole heart away and laughs. “It was good advice. I should have taken it.”

Bitter and exhausted, Iruka takes his black coffee and heads to class. His students greet him and smile and know immediately that something’s wrong. He tries to smile and go through the motions, but even his contingency of seven-year-olds can see that something is troubling him. Halfway through the morning classes, one of his younger students puts a hand up.

“Iruka-sensei, why are you sad today?”

He laughs softly.

“That’s a nice question, Maiya. Thank you. But it’s not important.”

“You’re never sad, Iruka-sensei,” one of his older students observes. “You must really be upset.”

“I’m not…” He stops, well aware that his students will call him out on the outright lie. “I am upset. But I still have a job to do. That’s part of being a shinobi—sometimes, you have sad days. You still have to complete the mission, no matter what.”

He makes it through class and dismisses the students for the day. As he gets ready for his shift at the Missions desk, one of the girls approaches him. She produces a hand-folded origami flower.

“For you, Iruka-sensei,” she says as he accepts it with a heartfelt smile.

“Thank you, Maiya. You know, you can just call me ‘ _sensei_ ’,” Iruka adds, as he handles the flower very carefully.

“But you’re not. You’re Iruka-sensei.”

Something about that makes Iruka’s brain stop working.

“Say that again, sweetheart?”

“You’re Iruka-sensei. I’ve got other teachers, for math, and science,” Maiya says with her cheerful little smile. “You’re the only Iruka-sensei I’ve got, though!”

When there’s no answer, Maiya looks up at her teacher. Iruka is very still. The little origami flower trembles, his hand is shaking.

“Iruka-sensei? Is everything okay?”

The brown-haired chuunin blinks out of his speechless stupor and nods slowly.

“…I’m going to be.”

+

Maybe it’s callous of him.

Maybe he shouldn’t.

_But Kakashi already did._

So it’s fair when Iruka smiles a very fake smile as Team 7 comes in to turn in their completed mission scroll. Naruto greets him jubilantly as always, diving right into talking all about their latest mission, asking when they’re going out for ramen next. Sasuke and Sakura greet him with brief noises. They’re genin now, graduates. They don’t have time an old teacher.

Their current teacher looks mildly concerned at the bright, sunny smile Iruka directs his way.

“Welcome back, Kakashi-sensei!”

“Aa.”

Kakashi hands over the scroll. Iruka accepts it and slides something into the jounin’s hand as he lets go. Curious but cautious Kakashi accepts it like a ninja, sliding it out of sight in the palm of his hand and dropping it into his pocket. Iruka’s bright expression stays fixed as he makes easy conversation with Naruto, and as they leave. Kakashi doesn’t turn back his way but Iruka isn’t concerned about that.

He took the note. Iruka knows he’ll at least read it.

He finishes his shift and heads home. He returns to his apartment to find Kakashi leaning up against the side of the building, single eye blinking as Iruka steps toward the door.

“Iruka—“

“Not out here,” Iruka says, brushing past Kakashi and pushing the door open.

Wordlessly, Kakashi follows.

Once the door shuts everything shifts. Iruka can tell without looking behind him. He can feel the other man’s gaze drill into his back. The way he shifts his weight from foot to foot.

He’s anxious, then.

 _Good_.

“I already apologized.”

“I don’t _want_ your apologies,” Iruka says simply with his back still turned. There’s silence, because Kakashi was completely unprepared for that reaction. The chuunin ignores him and takes off his sandals, then his forehead protector, and after that his vest. He’s working off his shirt when there’s a gentle noise of protest.

“Iruka I don’t want to get involved again. It’s too dangerous. And it isn’t fair.”

“I don’t want fair,” Iruka says, pulling his shirt up over his head. “I never asked you for fair.”

Kakashi seems distressed.

“I don’t understand. What do you want?”

Iruka turns, wearing only his pants and a look of calm conviction.

“You used me.”

Kakashi swallows but doesn’t deny it.

“I don’t mind.”

“Iruka—“

“I don’t care if you never say my name. I don’t mind if you don’t want to look at me when we’re intimate, because you’re pretending I’m somebody else—“

Kakashi takes a step forward, eye full of tremulous emotion, and Iruka nails him to the spot he stands with a single look.

“You think I never noticed? You only ever called me one thing when we take our clothes off.”

“I apologized,” Kakashi whispers, stricken. “I didn’t mean to let it go on so long.”

“Why did you start, in the first place,” Iruka asks, still calm, still in control, “if you were only going to lead me on for a little while?”

The jounin shakes his head. He looks as guilty as he deserves to, after what he’s done.

“What do you _want_ , Iruka?”

Iruka has asked himself the same question every moment since he figured it out.

What does he want? He wants Kakashi. But Kakashi doesn’t want him.

But Kakashi can’t have what he wants, either, so they’ll compromise.

“I want what we had. You broke up with me—take it back.”

The other man is understandably confused.

“You want… but…” He swallows and forces himself to speak. “I was weak. I leaned on you and I realized that. I stopped. We can’t keep… that isn’t a healthy way to stay.”

“I don’t care.”

It hurt. Unspeakably. Unbearably. Totally and wholly, to have Kakashi, to be with him, to be _happy_ , and for Kakashi to shatter that illusion with ‘goodbye’. It isn’t fair. After some examination, Iruka finds he’s hurt enough not to particularly care about fair.

Life isn’t fair.

He brings his hands up to form familiar seals. Dog. Boar. Ram.

When he opens his eyes, they aren’t black. They’re blue. He looks out from beneath long blonde locks to Kakashi’s horrified expression. With a knowing smile, patient and kind, he steps forward, and reaches out.

“Iruka—“

“Hush,” he scolds, and tastes victory as the sound of his voice makes the other man gape wordlessly. “You’re a clever boy. Let’s compromise.”

“Change back,” Kakashi croaks, shaking his head. “Iruka. _Please_.”

“This is who you’ve wanted all along,” he says with the Yondaime’s soft baritone. “You can have what you want. Why not just enjoy it?”

“It’s a lie. He’s dead.”

“I don’t mind.”

He plays dirty, then, reaching up and catching Kakashi in his arms. The older man (slightly shorter, now) tries to look away, tries not to react but already the proof of his desire is pressing into his thigh. He laughs, low and mocking, and reaches up with a warm hand that Kakashi doesn’t avoid, leans in with someone else’s lips, kisses Kakashi with his dead teacher’s mouth.

It lasts long enough for Iruka to know he’s won.

+

“I _really_ don’t mind,” he says later, when Kakashi is spread out on his sheets, spent and breathing raggedly, eyes fluttering open at the sound of his actual voice and not the illusion he’s been using all night. “If you’ll pretend for me, I’m more than happy to wear his face, once in a while.”

He expects to argue a bit, to convince the other man that he’s really alright with this arrangement. Iruka wants Kakashi, at the cost of all else. He’s tasted happiness. He wants that, ardently, enough to pretend from time to time. So if Kakashi will just meet him half way, he can forgive that Kakashi would rather make believe with a blonde from time to time.

They all have their ghosts.

“What would people say,” he asks monotonously, all the fight long gone out of him. Iruka shrugs.

“Like I said—I don’t care about fair, and I don’t mind Transforming, every now and again. I just wish you’d been honest with me from the beginning.”

Kakashi sits up then and looks at him, long and hard. Iruka looks right back.

He has never known what it is, to love somebody down to their bones, to want someone with such mindless, reckless abandon that he’s willing to compromise everything he is just to have a taste again. Even if it’s pretend, even though he knows it started out with a lie, even if Kakashi never calls out his name, if he’ll play along and just be with Iruka again, maybe it will stop hurting so much, and that will be worth burning the world for.

The intensity of his feelings must show through in his gaze because Kakashi can’t hold it and looks away.

“If you’ll pretend for me, I’ll pretend for you.”

The victory feels euphoric. Iruka’s smile is chillier than usual but it can’t be helped. He’ll kill that part of himself that cares so much, in order to have this, with this man. It’s worth it.

+

They play pretend and things go back to normal. Iruka takes Kakashi out to lunch and they laugh, and joke, and hang out with mutual friends. Kakashi takes Team 7 on missions and greets Iruka with flirtatious gifts and presents upon their return. It becomes common knowledge that they’re dating and Kakashi becomes more and more prone to silly romantic gestures. He buys Iruka flowers to see him blush. He brings him lunch and waits for him at the end of his shift, to walk home together.

Even though it’s all fake, Iruka loves _every second._

It’s Kakashi.

And he doesn’t always Transform. They roll into bed together and find more ways to compromise.

Kakashi is usually very willing to make Iruka squirm under his hands, or use his mouth. It doesn’t feel like acting, the way he swallows Iruka down like a drowning man, how he uses his fingers and tongue and the delightfully tight ring of his lips to make Iruka come on his face. It seems very real.

And Kakashi starts taking initiative, rolling Iruka onto his front or his back more and more. If he needs a warm up before, Iruka is happy to put on a show, opening himself up with slick fingers and enjoying the way Kakashi’s eyes go half-dark at the sight. They switch without much discussion now, swapping between topping and bottoming depending on who feels like what and it gets easier, with time.

Sometimes they don’t have sex. Those are the nights when it’s less like a play and more like a dream, when Kakashi settles in beside Iruka with a cup of decaf or tea, book in one arm and Iruka held against him in the other with the ease of long familiarity. The way they share space, comfortably close, like they’ve been dating for years and not months is addicting. Iruka loves those nights the most.

Like he said, he really doesn’t mind. Everyone has their kinks. Iruka likes it when Kakashi keeps him on edge. Kakashi likes to roll over for his Sensei. So they learn to compromise. Kakashi learns how to last, taking his time taking Iruka apart, making him nearly cry with how close he is before he’s allowed to come, and every once in a while Iruka puts on someone else’s face and fucks Kakashi into the mattress.

At some point, Iruka realizes it’s been quite some time, and suggests it.

“You haven’t asked for a while.”

“Do you want to?” Kakashi is playing with Iruka’s hair, carding pale fingers through his limp brown locks.

“If you like.”

The silver-haired man smiles and Iruka feels his heart melt. He starts making hand seals before Kakashi stops him. Surprised, Iruka lets Kakashi draw him in for a kiss.

“You don’t have to. If I want you to, I’ll ask for it,” Kakashi says against his mouth. “Do you want to?”

“I can, if you want…”

“That’s not what I asked you, Iruka.”

The sound of his name makes Iruka’s heart skip a beat. Kakashi looks at him expectantly. Then, with a quick smirk, he undoes Iruka’s pants, and drops down to nuzzle the crop of soft brown curls.

“Why don’t I take care of this, while you figure it out,” Kakashi offers, and then his mouth opens wider and Iruka gasps.

Kakashi’s lips work his half-hard erection to fullness. The jounin comes up for air and licks his lips to wet them. Then he slides down slowly, taking his time to make Iruka moan as he mouthes the head, then slides his tongue over the tender slit, teasing. Hands fist in his soft silver spikes as Kakashi finishes taking Iruka in and begins to build up a rhythm, sucking him off.

Iruka’s thighs tremble on either side of his head as he works. The younger man shifts to give Kakashi better access, which Kakashi uses to his advantage, dribbling spit out of his mouth and onto his hand, to slick his fingers. Iruka throws his head back as Kakashi slides up slowly, sucking as he goes, leaving the brown-haired man moaning at the loss. Then he comes back down and slips a finger up inside at the same time. Iruka can’t help the way his hips buck, the sudden intrusion making him gasp with pleasure.

Two wet fingers scissor him open. The pressure is just what he’d been missing and he feels his hips snap up, forcing his dick further into Kakashi’s accommodating mouth, stretching with a thoughtful hum and allowing Iruka to fuck in helplessly. A few more sweeps of Kakashi’s tongue against the underside of his hot cock is too much and Iruka comes with a soft whine, hips snapping forward, fucking in against Kakashi’s throat.

The jounin swallows and slips Iruka’s cock from his lips. He’s licking his mouth, red from giving head, and sliding a warm palm up under one of Iruka’s shaky legs. Iruka is still catching his breath when Kakashi slides up against him, steals all the air straight out of him when he pushes in, sliding all the way home. It feels incredible every time. The stretch and the amazing sensation of being filled. The weight of Kakashi’s cock, thick and heavy deep inside of him, the smell of sex and sweat and Kakashi as he’s fucked makes Iruka dizzy with pleasure. He feels his spent cock twitch in interest as his partner begins to move.

He’s lost to the feeling as Kakashi fucks him. It’s _always_ good. Ever since the first disastrous attempt Kakashi has risen to the challenge and Iruka sobs as Kakashi’s cock strikes deep. He’s head over heels for something that isn’t real but when Kakashi holds him like this, with both legs up in the air and his dick buried deep inside Iruka, moving like he can’t help himself, like Iruka is all that matters and fucking him means more than catching his breath, he can’t care. It’s impossible. It’s perfect, and amazing, and fuck, Iruka is coming again, all over both of them as Kakashi murmurs his name and finishes inside.

It’s in a daze that Iruka recognizes Kakashi is saying his _name_ , not his title.

“Iruka,” he hears, soft and desperate, “Iruka. You feel perfect—“

“Kakashi,” he pants. He can’t believe it.

But the silver-haired man says it again—says his name while they’re having sex, and that’s all it takes.

Kakashi jumps when Iruka bursts into tears. He stops immediately, pulls out carefully and wraps Iruka up in a concerned cocoon, holding him close. Both his eyes are open, looking Iruka over worriedly for damage.

“Did I hurt you? What happened?”

He’s too emotional to answer, for a while, which kills the mood. When he can finally speak and answers Kakashi’s bewildered question, the other man’s look softens.

“I didn’t realize,” he apologizes, kissing Iruka’s mouth with lips still slightly red. “Iruka, I’m sorry.”

He says it again and again and just holds him.

+

“You haven’t asked me, lately.”

Kakashi looks up from where he’s preparing them both a bento. Iruka is standing by the couch, a cup of coffee still steaming in his hand. His expression is cautious, like he’s afraid he’ll upset Kakashi by bringing up the premise of their fake relationship.

The jounin seems to think about it for quite some time. Then he shrugs.

“Haven’t felt like it, lately.”

“Do you want me to?”

“If you like,” Kakashi agrees, “or you can stay this way. Both are good.”

Iruka nearly drops the coffee.

Both. Both, as in, Kakashi wants _Iruka_ , too?

His heart is climbing up out of his chest the way it hasn’t in months. Kakashi puts the finishing touches on their lunches and looks up to see his partner’s inner turmoil splashed all over his face. He comes over before Iruka’s unsteady hands lose their grip on the coffee cup.

What does that mean? Does it mean Kakashi likes him?

“Iruka. You’re going to give yourself an ulcer.”

The chuunin blinks up in surprise, as though he hadn’t realized Kakashi was there at his side. Even more surprised, to see Kakashi with his face mask off and a half-smile as he’s holding out Iruka’s rescued cup of coffee. With his guard down, with his eyes exposed, and the line of his lips, Iruka can’t believe what he’s seeing.

“Both?”

Kakashi’s half-smile quirks into a full-on grin.

“At some point you may or may not have bullied me into developing feelings for you,” Kakashi gets out, right before he’s tackled backwards onto the floor.

+

Anko invites him out to dinner. It’s been nearly a year, and the Chuunin Exams are looming. Anko is a proctor this year, so she’s probably stressed out, so Iruka gathers himself and meets her. The purple-haired woman greets him as though they haven’t stopped speaking for what feels like ages.

“Iruka! Lookin’ swell! Looks like that scarecrow is good for something after all!”

“Anko,” Iruka says warmly, and they sit down to eat. Conversation comes organically. Iruka is mildly surprised, with the way they left things, but Anko is loyal down to her blood, and Iruka is one of her oldest friends. They ease over familiar topics and when Anko finally brings Kakashi up, Iruka shrugs and answers honestly.

“You still dating that scrappy bean pole?”

“I am.”

“His team is planning on enter the exams. I can’t wait to give them hell!”

“I’m sure Naruto and the others will surprise you,” Iruka says confidently, “He’s not the same prankster he was in the Academy. Things have changed.”

Anko pauses and nails Iruka with a look that’s difficult to define.

“So they have.”

Before he can ask about the sudden shift in tone, she goes off on a tangent about the new administration and restrictions placed on the judges for the Exams. Iruka lets himself be distracted and forgets about it. Dinner ends, and Iruka admits he’s missed Anko’s presence. The jounin is touched and grins toothily at her friend.

“So spill. What changed?”

“What do you mean?”

“With you and Hatake,” Anko presses, obviously dying of curiosity. “First you’re hot-and-cold. Then you’re super fake Lovey-dovey. Now you’re different.”

“Different bad?” Iruka asks.

“Different excellent,” Anko says. There’s a light in her eyes that Iruka worries about. “It’s like when you started dating and were all head-in-the-clouds, over-the-moon happy. Pissed me off, coz’ I knew Hatake was a piece of shit, and he broke your heart, like I knew he would! But then you got back together and things are different now. What changed?”

Iruka takes a few minutes to consider this.

Things are good. Kakashi hardly ever asks him to look like someone else. Iruka still does, from time to time, but now he does it just to spice things up in the bedroom, not because it’s the only thing Kakashi wants from him. Now Kakashi seeks him out for quick kisses and cups of coffee, black. They take long walks and talk about moving in together, and it doesn’t send Kakashi running for the hills, or Iruka trying to make sure he’s not stuck footing the bills. They compromise. They communicate, and figure things out together, and somewhere along the way, they got comfortable. It doesn’t matter that it’s not love right now. Maybe it will become love, at some point. For now, it’s good, and it’s theirs.

Iruka has what he wants. Who he wants. And somehow Kakashi has come around to wanting him, too.

That feeling is everything.

He’ll do _anything_ to keep it, but instead of saying that, he offers Anko a mysterious smile.

“It’s a secret.”


	2. In Reverse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exactly the same as the first chapter.
> 
> But from Kakashi's POV. 
> 
> Enjoy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by a single comment:  
> [ratsnack](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ratsnack/pseuds/ratsnack) asked, _"You wouldn't by any chance be interested in writing a companion fic from kakashis POV about this, would you?"_  
> 
> 
> _I've never seen a mouth_
> 
>   
>  _That I would kill to kiss_
> 
>   
>  _And I'm terrified_
> 
>   
>  _But I can't resist_  
> 
> 
> -Beautiful Stranger, Halsey

Umino Iruka has a crush.

It’s obvious, to someone who has spent their entire life relying on the ability to see beyond subtle, to pick out details and clues to track down the most evasive foes, to spot the sliver of emotion that might mean the difference in battle. An emotional opponent is easily a dead opponent.

Kakashi recognizes _long_ before Iruka ever does that he’s the object of the chuunin’s affections.

He can read it in the way Iruka starts to let his eyes linger, how he perks up when they walk by. He can tell that there’s something about him Iruka is drawn to, in the way a sunflower turns toward the sun, except there isn’t really anything left of him that still shines.

He’s lost anything that makes him feel shiny long ago (Sensei’s smile, Sensei’s approval, _Sensei_ )

But the chuunin keeps looking.

The feeling comes back, a bit.

Iruka starts taking all the shifts at the Missions Desk at the same time they collect or turn in a scroll. Kakashi is privately impressed. That must have taken a fair amount of work to manage and yet here he is, again, pleasant as always, and cheerful as ever.

“Yo. Mission complete.”

“Aa. Welcome back, Kakashi-sensei.”

It’s different from the bewildering haze of life without his team. Iruka’s eyes follow him and the feeling that inspires is not one of pride but greed.

_He likes it._

Kakashi realizes quickly that it’s dangerous. Attraction has no place in his life. He has a team to mind, his sensei’s legacy to guide, and his reputation. But it’s also been years since he let himself be distracted by the way someone’s eyes follow him around a room.

The last time he wanted it, the person looking had an entire village to look after, too.

He’s missed that feeling, and Iruka can’t seem to look away.

 _It would be so easy,_ Kakashi thinks. _Something casual. Just for a taste._

Starting a relationship with the younger man would be wrong, though.

The two of them have nothing in common, he thinks as he drops off the scroll at the missions desk, amidst Naruto’s cheerful chatter, and it isn’t hardly fair. The younger man is clearly smitten with him, the way his cheeks light up at just the sight of him, and anyone could guess he’ll fall hard if Kakashi lets him.

There’s something pure and sweet about the brown-haired man that he doesn’t want to break. So he tries to figure out how to put a stop to Iruka’s quiet longing looks.

Then he finds those soft brown eyes staring at him and for an instant he sees they do have something in common.

Iruka **wants**.

The chuunin jumps, guilty at being caught staring, and quickly looks away, but it’s already far too late.

+

It's a simple matter of seduction and invitation. Kakashi invites the younger man out for drinks, and lets him catch a glimpse of his face without the mask.

“No wonder you wear your mask all the time. You’re so handsome.”

Kakashi nurses his beer and tries not to grin too obviously as he pulls Iruka closer.

“Don’t mind them,” he says as Iruka’s friends laugh at his expense. “You can tell me I’m good-looking _any time_.”

The combination of initiating physical contact and the low tenor of his voice is a devastating combo. The chuunin goes bright pink as Kakashi holds him flush to his side, and snags his friend’s shot glass, downing it to give himself some liquid courage.

It’s been a while since he completed a mission so easily. Within the first five minutes of arrival he’s already acquired the target, secured it, and from the way Iruka keeps looking at him with those big doe eyes of his, it’s obvious he’ll accept when Kakashi propositions him later. So he congratulates himself on a job well done and has a drink.

Or two.

Or three.

 _Maybe_ , he reflects when Iruka announces he’s leaving, _he’s just a bit nervous._

It won’t do for Iruka to leave alone so of course Kakashi goes with him. He’s not drunk enough to stagger though Iruka is, which gives him a moment’s hesitation before he asks, “Would you like to go back to my place, or yours?”

The chuunin’s response is slurred, which is worrisome, except a moment later Iruka straightens, looks Kakashi in the face with determination, and repeats himself. “Yes, _please_.”

Well then.

His place it is.

+

Once they’re inside it’s easier to pretend. The room is dark and Kakashi doesn’t need light to feel the map of the other man’s body, because he doesn’t particularly want to see every detail. He lets his mind fill in the blanks, imagines his partner is a little taller, broader in the shoulders and chest, but leaves the breathless anticipation that’s all Iruka.

“Kakashi-sensei…”

“Just Kakashi,” he corrects, once, and pulls the other man close.

He’s drunk enough that it’s easy to not have to fake the first bit. Fumbling through feigning interest in taking their clothes off, choosing specific teasing touches to set the mood. In all his fantasies, Sensei (older, smarter, stronger, _beautiful_ ) would lead.

Reality is cruel, and cold, and empty.

Iruka is not.

Iruka is warm, and willing, and ready to do _anything_ Kakashi wants him to.

Those soft brown eyes are full to the brim with liquid love.

A wave of guilt rises up like bile in his throat.

He stops focusing on Iruka’s face and shoves the unwanted emotion down hard.

Kakashi strips off his shirt and falls back on the bed, pretends he was pushed there by a larger man with coy blue eyes and a graceful presence. His heart thuds in his chest at the thought, the first stirrings of arousal coming to life between his legs.

He has to drag himself out of the fantasy as Iruka stares down at him, uncertain, a little lost.

In the name of keeping things moving, Kakashi sits up a bit and lets one leg fall open, a clear spot carved out where he wants Iruka’s attention. If not with his lips, with his whole body, he says ‘ _touch me’._

Iruka swallows loudly and takes to his knees.

Tanned hands undo his pants. Kakashi licks his lips and lays back as the teacher kneels for him, and takes him in hand, and then takes him in. His mouth is searing heat, slick and smooth. Kakashi can’t help shuddering at the touch. The physical stimulation is _powerful_ , and so is being able to fall back onto the bed with both eyes shut and being able to groan, ‘Sensei’. He’s done it before, with his eyes shut and his own hand, but the feeling of warm lips wrapped around his cock, sucking him, so ready to have a taste, makes Kakashi’s guts _roil_ with arousal.

It’s almost as good as he imagined.

He thinks of the way Sensei’s face would look, amused that his student is so hungry for him, so hot and needy, and feels his thighs tremble. He imagines the look on the blonde’s face as Kakashi gets closer and closer, the way his lips are tight around his cock, sucking deeply, a little sloppily, never letting him go, and he _aches_ with how good it is.

He’s going to come.

It’s a little fast, and Kakashi wants the night to last, so better to give in and get it up again then try to hold back.

Except Iruka almost ruins things—he leans in, tries to catch Kakashi’s lips in a kiss, and then he’s too close, and it isn’t Sensei, and Kakashi has to turn away and it’s just in time, and he comes with his face in Sensei’s pillows, spilling all over Sensei’s hand, body arching against the bed as his pleasure crests.

There’s no time to be languid about it, after. His partner is moving away. There’s disappointment all over his shadowed face. Kakashi can’t have that. He’s hardly had enough.

The feeling of completion at the hands of another is terribly addictive.

“Sensei.”

“I’m… was it, Kakashi-se… Kakashi. Was it good?”

“Aa. Very good. Would you like a turn?”

“Turn,” Iruka mumbles, quite drunk, drunkenly enough that guilt rears its head again. Kakashi comes in close and holds the other man, closes his eyes and murmurs his suggestion to Iruka’s ear.

“Wouldn’t you like to come, also?”

“I would,” Iruka says, and there’s no mistaking the desire in that lusty tone, “I wanna… Kakashi, I _want_ you.”

That’s enough, then.

He’s perfect.

Just as desperate. Just as hungry. He wants, and Kakashi wants, and it’s perfect, then.

He can make this work.

Turning over Kakashi falls onto all fours in clear invitation. It takes Iruka a second to come around—no doubt the younger man expected the opposite—but Kakashi looks back once with a challenging eyebrow raised, and Iruka licks his lips. A warm hand ghosts over his bare ass. Kakashi lets himself shudder in anticipation as the teacher accepts the lube and works him open. Then his fingers fall away, to be replaced with something blunt, thicker, and Kakashi fights back a moan as he’s breached.

He’s never had the real thing, but he’s seen glimpses, and his genius brain informs him that Iruka is shorter but thicker.

Then the slick length inside him pulls out, and his genius brain gets _fried_ with sparks of pleasure.

Take _that_ , logic.

Strong hands at his hips, and a thick cock slipping in and out, over and over, again and again and Kakashi feels the thrill of arousal zip down his spine, lighting up his nerves with every thrust. It’s too good to concentrate on. The way Sensei is pounding into him, _using_ him, so close to undone because of him is very good, and Kakashi gasps in pleasure, clinging to the sheets.

He moans pitifully when he’s turned over. The illusion is almost ruined. Iruka—no, Sensei hushes him, and moves his hips with a steady grasp, and Kakashi is allowed to turn his face into the pillow as he’s fucked sideways, one leg hoisted up against a firm chest, held in a fond grip that keeps Kakashi wide open for Sensei to slot in messily.

“Sensei,” he moans, dick throbbing with how hard he is, and that’s just from being fucked, fuck, he’s so close.

“Kakashi,” the other man hisses, and his hips snap forward unexpectedly. The sudden depth is too much, too good too fast, and Kakashi can’t hold out, coming soundlessly, body clenching down on his partner’s cock and squeezing out every last drop.

Perfect.

It’s so good.

Just what he wanted.

Through the haze of utter satisfaction, Kakashi realizes he’s being drawn into a cuddle. But the hair is wrong. Not blonde, not spiky, and he rolls away to dream of the face he wants to see.

+

It’s awkward in the morning, because the sun is up, and there’s no way to disguise the differences between the two.

Iruka is not Minato.

Now he’s got a younger man in his room milling about, uncertain if he should stay or go, clearly anxious to ask if there could be a repeat of the previous night and completely unable to make the words come out right. Kakashi laughs because it’s actually adorable, and helps the poor man out.

“Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yes, to your question,” Kakashi clarifies with a half-smile as he dresses. “We can do it again sometime.”

The sunshine-bright smile he gets in response is _too damn cute._

It sends a sharp shard of shame straight through him.

He tries not to let it show as they head out together. Iruka’s a good guy. Kakashi really shouldn’t have done what he did—but he _already did_ , and honestly? It was such a powerfully pleasing experience that he’s already justified doing it again, maybe twice, before he lets Iruka go.

It can’t be forever. Obviously any actual relationship built from what they’ve started can’t work.

Not when Kakashi isn’t in it for _Iruka_.

He does have a conscience, despite appearances to the contrary. He won’t be cruel—he’ll let Iruka go. Sometime soon, so Iruka can be mad instead of sad, and so they can get over each other and move on.

But the chuunin interrupts his thoughts by leaning in with his face all screwed up, flustered but confident, and pecks Kakashi on the cheek.

It’s the sweetest thing.

Kakashi’s defenses go down and suddenly he can’t disguise the guilt.

_What is he doing?_

This is wrong. And unkind. And unfair to Iruka, who clearly likes him and wants them to be something real.

He should stop while he’s ahead. He’s already got what he needed. He should end it. _Right now,_ before they both fall in too deep.

But he remembers the look in Iruka’s eyes. That slow-burn smolder. The current of lust, of desire, that roaring riptide of _avarice_ he’d seen for just an instant in Iruka’s eyes, something dark and _possessive_ directed right at him and Kakashi knows he hasn’t had enough. Just one taste was enough to get him addicted. He has to have more.

So he leans in and brings Iruka’s wrist to his mouth, to kiss, and smiles when he feels the other man’s pulse jump beneath his lips.

“See you later, Sensei.”

+

He meets the younger man every once in a while. To keep up the pretense that they’re seeing each other he indulges in little outings, takes lunch with the chuunin, spends time walking him home after missions, and treats him to drinks. Iruka loves it, and he’s so trusting that he believes it completely. Kakashi has to work hard at burying the guilt every time he sees that smooth-lipped smile.

He’s so sweet.

Kakashi feels twisted each time he sees it.

The smile is meant for _him_. It’s something bright and joyful. He feels like the scum of the earth for pulling the wool over Iruka’s eyes like this, but how can he help himself when Iruka just offers himself? Effortless, easy, comfortable. He offers little gestures and Iruka drinks them up, is so obviously happy with just about everything they do together. It’s so simple and good and it _gets to him._

It’s good, with Iruka.

Kakashi doesn’t realize he’s in too deep until Iruka leaves one day and he finds himself looking forward to meeting the chuunin again in broad daylight, when the sun is shining and he can see the soft brown of Iruka’s hair, the color of his cheeks when Kakashi teases him, the smile on his face.

He feels the cheerful grin slips away and his waving hand droops down slowly.

This isn’t what he signed up for.

Iruka’s supposed to be stress relief.

He isn’t supposed to be _falling for his stress relief._

Kakashi takes a long walk, far from the memorial stone, far from the judging eyes and disapproving stares he feels boring into his back from his team, and considers the best way to make a clean break.

+

“Let’s switch.”

Kakashi pauses, half-way out of his shirt.

Iruka’s face is bright red but he seems determined. Kakashi stares.

“You want…”

“Yes,” Iruka says quickly, clearly embarrassed yet wanting. Eager. Kakashi feels a kinship with that type of hunger and shrugs.

How hard can it be?

He watches Iruka fall back onto the bed, cheeks flushed, his brown eyes hazy with desire. It’s straightforward at first. Get them naked, get the other man under him, wanting and hot, and fuck him. Simple. Kakashi presses Iruka’s thighs with smooth hands and parts them. The sight of him in the dim light is almost familiar.

It’s different, though, as Kakashi reaches down between his legs and takes Iruka in hand, erection leaping into his touch. The chuunin gasps, clearly delighted at the sensation but Kakashi just feels _shame_ curl where arousal should be. _He’s taking advantage_. Iruka thinks they’re going to make love and Kakashi is wishing he was a little taller, a little blonder, with familiar blue eyes and a fond expression meant just for him, from someone who isn't here anymore.

This is wrong.

“Kakashi?”

Iruka props himself up on his elbows and his eyes go wide.

“You’re…”

He glances down to his own groin. He’s completely flaccid.

Embarrassment sweeps through him. He tries to fish for an excuse, something to say but he comes up dry, mumbling nonsense as he looks away from those worried brown eyes.

Iruka surprises him, then. The younger man surges up from the bed, sweeping Kakashi into his arms and flipping them, pushing Kakashi down onto the bed and nipping at his throat, licking the base of his neck. Pressed into the sheets, Kakashi gasps, feels his dick twitch at the touch, shame replaced with desire, and Iruka takes control, fingers pressing his cheeks apart, seeking, and then he can let go, nearly sobbing with relief as Iruka fucks in. He doesn’t have to think. He just clings, hangs on to the sheets and arcs his back.

After, Iruka brings it up with a cautious voice.

He tries to seem unaffected.

“It’s not my thing,” he says. Then, considering the light in the other man’s eyes, how Iruka _craved_ , Kakashi takes a slow breath in to steady himself, and continues, “but… if you really want to…”

Iruka defers, shaking his head with a soft smile.

“Some day.”

 _Some day._ Because Iruka is willing to wait for Kakashi. Because he cares, and wants it to be good for both of them, and _how can he be so selfish?_ Iruka’s already done so much.

Besides. It’s just sex.

He can make a better effort.

Iruka mentions he’s practiced, and Kakashi leans forward. “Tell me.”

The chuunin flushes and stammers, and Kakashi lets his mind wander. Thinks of the way Iruka would look, pressing cautious fingers against his own ass, _teasing_ himself open carefully, testing his limits. He thinks of the way his face would be flush with desire. His lips would be pursed with determination as he pressed inside of himself.

He doesn’t miss the way Iruka’s eyes watch him back, drop to his lap where his cock is slowly rising.

Iruka gets stuck, once or twice, on words that make his face burn, but he’s cottoned on to the effect his words are having and pushes himself, and he looks _absolutely_ _breathtaking_ like this, naked and getting worked up, erection returning as he describes it, how he’d take his fingers and slide inside.

His own cheeks color as he pushes Iruka back, interrupting him mid-sentence to actually act it out. He leans in to distract Iruka by sucking his neck as he presses him open. The chuunin gasps beneath him, legs falling apart for Kakashi’s hand. He comes alive so easily, so eager, just as eager as Kakashi himself who finds it surprisingly good, now.

 _Don’t think about it,_ he tells himself as he presses in. _It’s just pretend._

But the sounds Iruka makes are very real.

“Kakashi!”

He’s _writhing_ in pleasure. Kakashi has to stop, dick buried deep inside the heat of the other man, at the sound of his name being gasped out so desperately.

“Not too much?” He asks, trying to ground himself. It’s impossible to tell who he wants more and the thought is threatening his erection even now.

“No,” Iruka moans, face aflame. “It’s _perfect_.”

A smirk slips across his lips.

“Oh?”

The other man’s eyelids blink open. He’s clearly in a daze, caught in the theroes of passion, drunk with his lust, with how much he wants Kakashi fucking him and it’s breathtaking how much power Iruka is just _giving him_. How is he supposed to resist this? He drives in with his hips, sliding in with a slick sound and Iruka _moans_ , bending and shaking beneath his touch, and Kakashi feels himself laugh.

“You did. Don’t worry, Sensei—it’s cute.”

He rolls his hips then, rocking in slow and enjoying every moment just as much as his partner, and what does it matter that he’s missing that bright blonde hair when Iruka clenches down like that? He grips the thighs on either side of him and drives in, leaning over his partner’s body and letting the other man cling to him, gasping as he’s impaled, singing sweetly as he’s fucked against the mattress.

“Kakashi!”

“ _Sensei_ ,” he murmurs, because he still wants Minato more, but Iruka’s here now and wanting him back, clinging to him, _desperate_ for him, hopeful and caring and loving and that kind of blind hunger calls to him so he has to pretend. He has to keep this up, just a little longer. He comes with the teacher’s legs wrapped around his waist, clutching him close, and wondering how in the hell he’s supposed to survive without this now that he’s had it.

+

He’s a coward. And Obito’s right—he’s worse than trash.

But at least he can recognize that Iruka deserves better than this fake relationship. So he steels himself and says what needs saying.

“Listen. I can’t see you anymore.”

It feels like sludge is stuck in his throat. The words come out all wrong. Iruka hears them and his happy face falls. Kakashi tries to take cold comfort in the way he looks, the pain in his face, because what they have isn’t healthy and it _needs_ to hurt, so he can _want_ it to stop.

“But….”

Iruka begs for a reason. Kakashi tries to tell him without being too blunt.

Breaking up with someone he’s not supposed to care about is surprisingly painful.

“Why,” Iruka asks, frustrated and upset. “Is it…. I don’t have to bottom, if that’s the reason—“

“No,” Kakashi hears himself blurt out. And he finds at least that much is true. “No, that isn’t it.”

“Then what,” Iruka demands, “What did I do?”

Kakashi sighs deeply.

It’s far too late, for both of them.

“Maa. It _was_ too long. This is what I was afraid of…”

Iruka looks like he’s a second away from crying despite his best efforts of keeping up a brave face. Kakashi can’t bear the sight and draws him close, wraps him up in a familiar embrace, holding on and hugging his partner close. He’s far too attached to what they have to want to let it go but he has to. Any longer and he really won’t be able to put distance between them again. But it has to stop. Here. With this.

Iruka deserves better. He deserves a chance with someone who can love him with all of his heart. He shouldn’t be slumming it with Kakashi, who has been using him for his body, who has perpetuated this illusion, dragging Iruka down with him into the fantasy of a happy partnership. _What they have isn’t real._ It’s fake. It’s pretend, and it’s gone on far too long, like the hug he’s wrapped Iruka up in.

He doesn’t want to let go.

Which is precisely why he does.

The chuunin looks up and he almost breaks at the look on Iruka’s face.

“It’s not you. It’s me. I should have never taken advantage,” Kakashi says, unable to keep the sadness completely out of his voice. Iruka’s eyes go wide and he shoves some space between them.

“You’ve never—I said yes, to everything! I never said no…”

He looks like he means to go on, and Kakashi has to stop him before he can let himself be convinced.

“No. Not like that.”

“Then what… why? Kakashi, don’t do this. I love you.”

And there it is. The thing he’s been dreading.

_Iruka thinks he's in love._

Kakashi knows it isn't love, what they have, and realizes that **he** has to be the one to do the thing that hurts so that one of them can heal. 

It’s time to end this.

For both their sakes.

“I’m sorry, Iruka.”

Then he lets go, and walks away.

+

It’s better this way. There’s no more lies, no more deception. He takes his team out on a tough C-rank mission to clear his conscience and work out his lingering feelings. It wasn’t love. They were both consenting adults and they had what Iruka clearly defined as consensual sex. There was no denying that. He even went so far as to specifically say, ‘ _you never took advantage_ ’ when Kakashi clearly did, and he tries not to feel so disgusted with himself that he’s relieved that it was put out in the air like that.

He doesn’t see Iruka take as many shifts at the missions desk and tries to suppress the intense sensation of guilt hanging over his shoulders.

“Hey, hey, where’s Iruka-sensei,” Naruto asks as they hand in their latest completed mission. The unfamiliar shinobi at the desk doesn’t spare the genin a glance.

“Who knows? He’s a teacher, isn’t he? Check the Academy.”

“Woah! Rude,” Naruto grumbles, “Hey, Kakashi-sensei! I’m going to see if Iruka-sensei wants to get ramen! D’you wanna come with us?”

“Not today, Naruto.”

“Eh? Why not?”

Kakashi raises his head and catches Naruto’s confused look.

“Aren’t you guys dating?”

He tries to ignore the sudden roar of white noise in his brain.

“Sensei?”

“Shut up, Naruto,” Sakura hisses, elbowing her teammate. “He’s obviously embarrassed!”

“It’s not your business,” Sasuke agrees softly, surprisingly. “C’mon. We were late getting in. Let’s _all_ go for lunch.”

Kakashi isn’t sure which shocks him more; that his team knew they were dating, that it was so obvious that even oblivious Naruto noticed, or that his effectively asexual, aromantic student is the one to pull his teammate’s attention away from Kakashi’s obvious distress, relieving him of the burden of having to answer any questions about his relationship.

He accepts the mission completion pay and leaves the desk trying to clear his head. His feet wander while his mind goes through his past interactions and he finds himself passing by all the areas he used to take Iruka. The cafe where they took lunch. The park where they watched clouds and held hands beneath a willow tree. The weapons shop where he’d bought Iruka a new set of kunai knives. It seems like every place he’s ever been there’s an echo. He hears the other man’s chatter where there’s silence now and he misses the sound of it. The way Iruka would seek his fingers, lace their hands and walk by his side with a smile, eyes nearly shining with his happiness.

The walk is so much lonelier.

It’s better this way, he tells himself as he goes home alone. This way is reality. And he’s leaned on Iruka enough. He can’t be dragging the other man down with his obsession over an adolescent longing. He had his taste and now he needs to get up and move on.

+

Two and a half weeks later, Iruka is waiting for them at the Missions Desk.

Kakashi tries to act casual. He’s actively avoided the Academy to make sure their paths don’t cross, tried to stay away from all the places they’d gone together in order to miss seeing him so they don’t have to have another painful conversation, and now he’s faced with a direct confrontation and Iruka is… smiling.

The smile is completely fabricated—fake.

It hits him _hard_.

He’s used to Iruka’s sunny-bright disposition, the way he’s charmed by everything Kakashi does, and he knows the way Iruka looks when he’s happy. He’s unnerved and tries not to show it because the expression is so different from the chuunin’s usual expression.

“Welcome back, Kakashi-sensei.”

He can’t make words come out.

“Aa.”

Iruka accepts the scroll he hands over, and something slides up as his fingers slide down. A scrap of paper. He’s a ninja so he slips it between his fingertips, slides it up under his fingerless glove and hides it from his student’s eyes without giving himself away. Iruka’s smile doesn’t change in the slightest but Kakashi didn’t expect it to. He turns away, uncomfortable despite himself. He never thought he’d be unnerved by a smiling expression.

Once they clear the building Kakashi dismisses his team for the day and flash-steps home. He tries not to think about the tremble in his fingers as he unfolds the paper.

It’s a simple message: ‘ _Meet me again.’_

There’s an address, and a time.

Kakashi frowns. What is this? Well, besides an obvious overture. But that can’t be right. They already broke up. He’s mostly moved on. It wouldn’t benefit anyone to go. Kakashi remembers the tears, and the hurt in Iruka’s eyes when he left. He’s had plenty of time to grieve. Iruka should have moved on by now. It’s been nearly a month.

Kakashi isn’t sure what convinces him to go despite his instincts telling him to just leave it. Maybe the memory of that hunger in the chuunin’s eyes. Maybe the promise of some good angry post-break-up hate sex. Maybe this, or that, but whatever the reason he finds himself wandering down the familiar path leading past Iruka’s apartment.

The dark-haired man is just arriving home after his shift at the Missions Desk. He looks up and Kakashi tries not to let the guilt eat him alive. Iruka has clearly suffered from lack of sleep. His eyes are dimmer. The shine’s gone out of him. _You did this,_ his brain reminds him, and it hurts just as much now as it did then. He’s responsible. He should have never started if he couldn’t keep pretending forever.

It’s better if they don’t start this up again.

Kakashi sighs. Better get it over with.

“Iruka—“

“Not out here,” the other man says, surprisingly firm. Kakashi blinks and stumbles in after.

Inside the apartment Kakashi feels itchy with nerves. Why the hell is he so nervous? He doesn’t have anything to be afraid of. Iruka can’t hurt him, not terribly. Perhaps he’ll yell. Maybe he’s angry. He certainly seems angry but he doesn’t seem the type to hit. Kakashi can take a chuunin in a fight, if it comes to that, but there’s only silence as the door shuts behind them.

It stretches, and he watches Iruka for a reaction. A sign. Something.

What does he want? What are they doing here?

Iruka finishes setting down his things and Kakashi breaks the silence.

“I already apologized.”

“I don’t want your apologies.”

Kakashi gapes a bit beneath the mask.

This isn’t like Iruka. The sweet, kind, gentle chuunin has never spoken to him like this. But Kakashi understands; he’s the one who hurt Iruka. This is what he deserves. He tries to swallow his shock and find something else to say, but then Iruka pulls off his shoes. Then his forehead protector, and after that his vest, and Kakashi realizes that he means to undress. They can’t. Because he _likes_ it, and it’s _bad_ , for both of them. Better to stop while they still can.

“Iruka, I don’t want to get involved again,” he pleads. “It’s too dangerous. And it isn’t fair…”

“I don’t _want_ fair,” Iruka tells him as he continues stripping. “I never asked you for fair.”

He turns around and nails Kakashi with an unreadable look.

“You used me.”

A sense of dread is working its way through Kakashi’s brain. The conversation is strange. It’s a confrontation. Shouldn’t Iruka be angrier at him? If he figured it out, shouldn’t he be shouting, and _shouldn’t he be angrier_? Furious? He doesn’t _sound_ like a jilted lover. He sounds frighteningly close to how he normally does. This doesn’t make sense.

And then, Iruka tilts his head very slightly to one side, and blandly mentions, “I don’t mind.”

What.

The sense of drawing horror solidifies further. Kakashi can sense the chill in the air. His instincts scream that he should leave, just go, just run at this point. Nothing good can come from this.

Some stupid part of his brain refuses to see reason, and he tries talking.

“Iruka—“

“I don’t care if you never say my name,” Iruka says softly over him, his words plain and soft but stabbing deep all the same, “I don’t mind if you don’t want to look at me when we’re intimate, because you’re pretending I’m somebody else—“

It’s awful.

Hearing it spelled out so plainly.

He’s awful.

He was the one who did it.

And look what it’s done to Iruka.

Kakashi tries coming close and stops at Iruka’s look, fierce and suddenly sharp.

“You think I never noticed? You only ever called me one thing when we took our clothes off.”

“I apologized,” Kakashi whispers, stricken. “I didn’t mean to let it go on so long.”

“Why did you start in the first place if you were only going to lead me on for a little while?”

It’s so unaffected that it hurts. Iruka truly sounds like he’s just curious, like he doesn’t care that Kakashi led him on for what must have been weeks, only to turn around and dump him when things got dangerous, and Iruka’s empathetic, and caring, and lovely and kind except he doesn’t sound like he gives a damn. Just wants to know why Kakashi did it.

He should go.

But it’s already too late.

“What do you _want_ , Iruka?”

The answer comes without cussing or care.

It’s almost monotone, except Iruka still sounds like himself.

“I want what we had.”

“You want… but….” Kakashi shakes his head, trying to make Iruka see reason. “I was weak. I leaned on you and I realized that. I stopped. We can’t keep… this _isn’t_ a healthy way to stay.”

Iruka looks at him then. Looks up and Kakashi can finally see the hurt, and it spears him: something has broken, on the inside, and he’s the one that caused it. It isn’t a hairline fracture. It’s like the complete and total splintering of a mirror that’s been punched, shattered centrally, weblike rings of broken glass wreathing the core of him.

“I don’t care.”

He brings his hands up before Kakashi can stop him and forms three seals. Dog. Boar. Ram.

Kakashi stares back at a familiar face and stops breathing for an instant.

“Iruka—“

But it’s not Iruka that speaks, then.

“Hush,” Sensei says, scolding, and the tone is just right, and the way he shakes his head gently to discourage his wayward student. “You’re a clever boy. Let’s compromise.”

 _Quickly_ , Kakashi begs his brain, _before it’s too late._

But it’s already too late.

“Change back. Iruka, _please_.”

Minato looks back at him with an amused expression.

“This is who you’ve wanted all along. You can have what you want. Why not just enjoy it?”

He realizes he’s shaking his head still. Maybe if he denies it hard enough it’ll stop.

“It’s a lie. He’s dead.”

“I don’t mind.”

Then Sensei reaches out and snags his arm, pulls him close. Kakashi resists but he’s helpless suddenly, unable to shove off the younger (older) man, unable to make his body obey the last sane thought in his brain, that this is even more wrong, that it was bad before but this is _unforgivable_ , actually using Sensei’s body like this and then Minato laughs, and the sound is _exactly as he remembers it_ , charming, soft like the gentle knell of bells in the distance, and then Sensei is kissing him, and Kakashi realizes he’s done for.

It’s too late to escape.

Sensei doesn’t let him dwell, pulling him toward the bed. He’s already hard, already aching with desire at just the sight of this man, and Minato guides him toward the bed and lays him down. There’s a fond spark to his eyes as he reaches up to cup Kakashi’s cheek lovingly, with a smile that should be shared between lovers, and Kakashi forgets how to breathe.

He’s _always_ wanted that look to be for him.

It was always for his wife, in life.

Here, in the dark of Iruka’s apartment, against familiar sheets, Kakashi lets the image become reality, and loses himself to pleasure as he’s never dared to imagine.

Sensei’s hands slide over his knees and part them. He feels exposed, even though Iruka has seen every inch of him. It’s different, with those expectant blue eyes watching him. Kakashi tries to turn away, tries to hide, but there’s a soft tsk-ing, and a hand pulls his chin away from the sheets.

“I want you to look at me when I take you, Kakashi,” Minato says soothingly, like he’s giving permission. “I want you to watch my face when I make you come on my cock. It’s what you’ve been waiting for.”

He’s struck dumb by how those words go straight to his dick.

Sensei notices, looking down and laughing as Kakashi’s erection throbs, leaking against his stomach.

He isn’t sure he should speak. Isn’t sure he’s allowed. Kakashi licks his lips but he can’t reply because then Minato reaches down and touches him, and it sends an electric spark down his spine to see his dreams in the flesh: to see Sensei touching him, Sensei between his legs, stroking his cock with a slick grip.

He can’t stop the gasp as the grip tightens, drawing up and sliding down with quick strokes and wet sounds. He feels his arousal building, cresting and coming up from inside. His throat works to suppress a groan and he gets scolded again.

“I want to hear all the sounds you’ve been saving for me,” Minato says as he strokes him, moves his hand faster without looking away.

Kakashi keens then, helpless to deny this man, and there’s a satisfied sound as Sensei guides him through a sudden orgasm, stars exploding across his vision as his body shakes with the force of it. His thighs tremble on either side of Minato, still stroking him, slowing down as Kakashi spends all over his hand, to the end. The hand disappears for a moment, presumably he wipes it off somewhere, because it comes back clean and smooth to touch Kakashi’s thighs, still shaking slightly. The hand trails over his skin, not seeking. Simply feeling. The sound of Minato’s voice fills the stretched silence after.

“You look beautiful like this. You should relax more.”

He wants to find something good to say in return. He feels excellent and he’s only had a hand job. He should probably say ‘thank-you’, or in lieu, thank him with actions. Maybe suck him off in return? Kakashi feels his eyelids flutter as the hand traveling his thigh sweeps north instead, covers the length of his body and comes to rest against his cheek.

When he opens his eyes Minato is still there with that fond expression, beloved and familiar.

And completely fake.

 _This isn’t real_ , he remembers, and the satisfaction goes straight out of him.

Sensei sees and shakes his head.

“You’re thinking about this too much.”

“This is _wrong_ ,” Kakashi tries, voice etched with revulsion. He’s got to convince the other man before he forgets completely that Minato isn’t alive, that this is someone else wearing his face, and it’s a lie. “We should stop.”

Something cruel and unkind flashes in those blue eyes, before it’s replaced with a look very close to pity.

“If you could stop, you already would have,” Minato informs his student gently, like it’s an apology, and Kakashi finds he can’t deny it as Sensei comes in to kiss his lips.

He loses himself in the kiss. They come together fervently, lips pressing in hungrily, with their hands seeking skin to touch, or hair to tug playfully, nipping with teeth and tasting with tongues, and devouring each other with nearly equal passion. He kisses Minato the way he’s always wanted to: raw, aching, hungry and desperate. Sensei kisses back just as he’d imagined he would, controlled and confident, taking Kakashi’s insecurities about loving a man twice his age and discarding them with a touch. His kiss tastes like sunlight. Kakashi almost laughs at the thought but that’s how it feels. He’s so happy here under Sensei’s touch. He surrenders and lets himself feel good. Lets out a gasp as Sensei nibbles his ear. Groans when he’s taken in hand, still sensitive and still reactive to Minato’s touch, lets himself cry out weakly when Sensei teases the tip of his returning erection.

“Let me,” he pants, and Sensei slows down. Kakashi sits up and dives down for the hem of the pants that belong to a chuunin and slip them down off the former Hokage’s body. The blonde hums his approval as Kakashi admires his own erection.

He wets his lips and opens for his teacher. The sound Sensei makes when Kakashi sucks him in is _delicious_. There’s pleasure to be had in making Minato twist and pant, and Kakashi relishes every moment as he takes in his teacher’s cock. Sucking deeply, he works out a rhythm, and moves his tongue to find the places where Sensei wants pressure, listening to his little gasps of delight.

He can’t help how enthusiastically he works the line of his mouth over and down Minato’s thick cock. He’s wanted to do this for ages and he’s allowed, apparently.

“So good,” Mianto hisses, and it makes Kakashi’s dick throb to hear his teacher so close to climax, “Just like that. Oh. Just… _Kakashi_ —“

He takes a breath and sucks hard. Sensei shudders and comes with his dick still slotting in and out of Kakashi’s mouth.

Kakashi shudders. Some of it gets on his face, near Obito’s eye, and he wipes it away quickly.

“Sorry. I should have warned you.”

It makes his heart flutter to hear Sensei so breathless because of him. Kakashi shakes his head.

“It’s fine, Sensei.”

Sensei.

Iruka.

_It’s not real._

He looks up to find Minato watching him intently. Kakashi makes himself meet those unblinking blue eyes.

 _This is what you wanted,_ he’d said.

Aching, still hungry, Kakashi licks his lips and chooses to pretend.

“I _loved_ it.”

There’s a clear sense of triumph to Minato’s smirk, before he reaches out to pull Kakashi in for another kiss.

+

“I _really_ don’t mind,” Iruka’s voice says, pulling him out of his lust-drunk haze. Kakashi blinks, the cloud of utter bliss, of complete and total satisfaction clearing like mist in the early morning, and he realizes that Iruka must have dropped the Henge. He’s back in his own skin, expression perfectly placid, like he didn’t just get through fucking Kakashi six ways from Sunday wearing the Fourth Hokage’s face while he did it. “If you’ll pretend for me, I’m more than happy to wear his face, once in a while.”

Kakashi can’t really think at the moment. His brain is still drugged up with the last two or three orgasms, the ones Minato took _extra_ pleasure in, where Kakashi was so deep into it that he’d completely forgotten the illusion. He’d been almost ruthless, then, seeking Kakashi’s pleasure at the expense of his own, so focused on making Kakashi come just one more time, touching him sweetly and torturing him with how good he made it, and saying softly all the while, “I love you, Kakashi, _Kakashi_.”

It was the most intense orgasm he’d ever had in his life.

Kakashi can’t quit it.

He’s addicted to the illusion.

He has to have more—he’ll pay anything.

“What would people say.”

Iruka seems caught off guard, like he expected resistance. Then he shrugs. “Like I said—I don’t care about fair, and I don’t mind Transforming every now and again. I just wish you’d been honest with me from the beginning.”

Somehow that’s the phrase that makes him sit up, suddenly, as if coming out of a dream. He looks at the other man, then, really looks at him good and long, and tries to quantify what he sees.

What looks back at him is a nameless hunger, bold and devouring. Iruka’s eyes are bottomless. What he’d seen back at the Missions Desk that day so long ago was only a glimpse of the monster sleeping dormant. It’s wide awake, now, and it wants Kakashi back. Has to have him, at all costs, is prepared to sacrifice anything and everything, and already has, to keep him.

It’s a look full of determination. Iruka wants him at the cost of all else.

He wonders what Iruka has already given up.

Those brown eyes bore into him. Kakashi surrenders with a shudder and turns away.

“If you’ll pretend for me, I’ll pretend for you.”

+

Things go back to the way they were.

Only it’s different now.

Kakashi walks Iruka to lunch and kisses his knuckles good-bye. The chuunin would usually laugh, or get flustered, but now he watches Kakashi go with a hungry look, wearing his lust plainly, unreservedly. There’s something always lurking just beneath the surface and it haunts him. What he’s done to Iruka to change him so thoroughly.

It’s only what he deserved, after what he did.

He sees him when Team Seven hands in their missions scrolls, watches him indulge Naruto with an easy smile and a caring ear, happy to listen as he shares the stories of their latest adventures. His smile always looks a little more real, then, and Kakashi tells himself he has absolutely no business being jealous.

It’s fake, what they have.

So he has _no right_ to be jealous.

Except he remembers Iruka as he was, before. When the chuunin looked to him with those soft brown eyes, and his genuine smile, unbroken and shining and whole. He remembers the looks that were _just for him,_ the way Iruka’s entire being seemed lighter when they were together, the way he laughed, clear and loud, at Kakashi’s awful puns or cheesy jokes.

He dates Iruka and he sleeps with Minato. It’s almost impersonal, the way Iruka denies him a kiss, or a touch before he’s Transformed, and then falls into being someone else completely. He’s pretending just as much as Kakashi had in the beginning, and somehow the switch is worse than when they tried reversing roles that first terrible time.

The next time they go home together, Kakashi snags Iruka’s hands before he can form the seals. Iruka looks up with a look of shock but lets Kakashi take off his pants, and lead him to bed in his own skin. He’s understandably apprehensive, wary, until Kakashi pulls off his mask and sucks Iruka’s dick down his throat.

When they wake up in the morning Iruka beams at him, and the sight gives Kakashi hope.

He _knows_ that smile.

He’d like to see more of it.

He changes tactics, then, looking for opportunities to see Iruka’s smile the way he remembers it. He takes the younger man out to lunch at a different restaurant and picks up the tab. He bypasses the park to show Iruka the botanical gardens. They return to the weapons shop but this time Kakashi picks out weapons for himself, and Iruka jumps at the rare opportunity to buy his boyfriend a gift. Kakashi feels a surge of victory as Iruka haggles with the weapons vendor.

Iruka is still stupidly trusting because he lets Kakashi ease him out of having sex with Minato almost without a fight. There’s one point where the chuunin brings it up, but by then Kakashi just takes his hands and pulls his partner down into a kiss.

“You don’t have to. If I want you to, I’ll ask for it. Do you want to?”

Iruka’s cheeks heat and his eyes glaze over a bit.

“I can, if you want…”

But that’s not what Kakashi wants.

“That’s not what I asked you, Iruka.”

At the sound of his name, Iruka melts, caught off-guard and charmed, and Kakashi slides down between familiar tanned thighs, to trace a path with his lips over Iruka’s pants. He undoes the other man’s pants and smirks as the look of surprise.

“Why don’t I take care of this, while you figure it out.”

Then he opens his mouth wide for Iruka’s cock.

The chuunin gasps and Kakashi chases the sound, slipping off him slowly before dipping back down, sucking him in and bobbing his head, working to make Iruka squirm under his touch.

He loves this. The way Iruka reacts to him, honest and hot. The sight of the school teacher arching his back, leaning to get a better angle so he can take more of Kakashi’s cock sends a thrill down his spine. He can’t get enough.

At some point he fucks an orgasm out of his partner and wrings himself out, buried deep in Iruka’s ass, and then Iruka _bursts into tears about it._

Horrified, Kakashi stops at once, sliding out sticky and spent, and tries to discover what damage has been done.

Iruka is almost too emotional to tell him. When it comes out that Kakashi was muttering his name and _that’s_ why he’s sobbing, Kakashi feels awful.

Has he really never said Iruka’s name before?

 _You only ever call me one thing when we take our clothes off,_ Iruka had said.

He had no idea. 

“I didn’t realize. Iruka, I’m sorry.”

Iruka leans into him, tears still leaking out, and Kakashi commits to holding him until they stop. The weight of the other man against his chest warms him from the inside out. 

+

They see enough of each other that Kakashi feels completely justified in making Iruka a key, and asking for a key to his place in return. He just hands it over one day and mentions, ‘Oh, it’d be nice to get one for your place; this is for mine,’ and walks away. The chuunin seems struck speechless. Kakashi loves the look. He’s been missing this expression on Iruka, so blatant, unguarded. It’s charming enough to draw him in and kiss Iruka while he’s defenseless.

Iruka recovers enough to squeak, which makes Kakashi pull back with a laugh.

He loves the sound, and the way Iruka goes red and chases after him in indignation.

He’s missed this. Playing.

Iruka lets him tease, and when he’s had enough he turns around and chases the jounin down. Kakashi even allows himself to get caught, sometimes, submitting to Iruka’s scowling blush and demands for discretion with muted pleasure.

And with access to Iruka’s house he starts showing up more often to do innocuous things, like help him tidy, or do dishes. Little domestic things, to make Iruka’s day easier, because teaching is difficult and kids can be brats, and he wants to do what he can to support his boyfriend.

The thought crosses his mind and it isn’t upsetting.

Iruka as his boyfriend.

Kakashi tries to think back to the last time they had sex with Iruka Transformed. It’s been a hot minute. But honestly it doesn’t bother him. He can admit to a certain fondness for the man he ensnared as part of his own selfish illusion. It’s completely fair turn around that Kakashi has fallen for the other man a little. It’s only what he deserves.

Iruka deserves better than him. But they’re both getting what they both want, and they’re both happy.

Isn’t that enough?

Maybe he should break up with Iruka properly. Stop now, while he’s thinking about it, because honestly Iruka does deserve better than Kakashi, who lied to him to satisfy himself, who used him for stress relief. It isn’t Iruka’s fault that Kakashi fell for the hopeless ardency Iruka showered him with. Anyone would have.

But Iruka doesn’t want just anyone. He’d made that very clear.

_He wants Kakashi._

At the cost of all else.

Even if he has to pretend to have it.

Kakashi begins to wonder what life might be like if he’d been honest from the beginning, gone into things with an open mind and pure intentions. Perhaps things could have developed more naturally. Perhaps he would have fallen for those doe-brown eyes, the abundant love and adoration Iruka’s capable of all on his own. Maybe.

It’s pointless, though, to live in what-if and what-could-have-been.

Kakashi is here, in the present, with the mess that he’s made with the man he’s fallen for who he’s hurt.

Life isn’t fair.

He shakes his hands to get rid of the way his fingers tremble, and makes his boyfriend coffee, and gets to work on lunch. He’s putting together a bento box when Iruka comes into the kitchen, sniffing softly, following the strong scent of fresh caffeine. Kakashi hands him a steaming mug with a smile and leans down so Iruka can kiss his cheek in thanks. He goes right back to cutting carrots to arrange into a very orange heart that’s going over a bed of rice. As he’s chopping Iruka’s voice cuts across his thoughts.

“You haven’t asked me, lately.”

Kakashi glances up and considers the sight of Iruka. They rarely talk about why they’re together, or Kakashi’s initial deception, or the confrontation, the first time that Iruka took on another man’s likeness to fuck Kakashi with. Usually it goes unsaid, their dirty laundry left at the bottom of the wash. It’s always there.

Perhaps they should wash their hands of it.

“Haven’t felt like it, lately.”

Iruka tilts his head like a curious bird.

“Do you want me to?”

“If you like. Or you can stay this way. Both are good.”

There’s a soft gasp. Kakashi looks up to see his boyfriend’s internal panic splashed all over. Iruka’s hands are trembling violently. Coffee is starting to spill out over the brim of the mug, and it’s a testament to how shaken the other man is. The hot coffee must hurt yet Iruka is too busy with his emotional crisis to notice.

Kakashi comes over at once and plucks the cup out of Iruka’s fingers.

He gives the other man a dear look, because Iruka is so unfailingly adorable when he’s flustered.

Kakashi wants to tease him forever.

“Iruka. You’re going to give yourself an ulcer.”

Brown eyes blink up at him in shock. “Both?” He says finally, confirming Kakashi’s suspicion. He hasn’t forgotten the way he said Iruka’s name once, during sex, and the way that almost unmade him. He can’t stop the way a grin blooms across his lips as Iruka _gets_ it, that Kakashi might actually like him for himself and not just for who he plays at being, and the way it makes him light up like himself again, the look of the man who held his hand and had a smile just for Kakashi breathes fresh relief into his heart.

“At some point you may or may not have bullied me into developing feelings for you,” he admits, before he’s tackled backwards onto the floor.

He laughs as they go down, Iruka toppling them and climbing onto his waist, and shaking his head in disbelief.

Kakashi smiles up at the brown haired man, and reaches up to drag him down and prove himself in a kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, this was nearly as fun to write as the first part from Iruka's perspective. Which did you like better? I enjoyed both~ I probably will end it here because that's the whole story. Thanks for reading~


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